Hello lovely readers! January has been a wild ride so far, to the point where it feels like the universe is testing me. Maybe it’s been weird for you too? Has January always doled out so many curveballs? Maybe it’s the fact that many of us arrive at the dawn of the new year with a renewed sense of optimism and excitement. As an eternal optimist, that’s definitely me. I even felt borderline smug when I saw a newsletter subject line on how to survive January. I hadn’t planned to merely survive, but to thrive! I had, after all, picked ‘flourish’ as my word of the year. January has humbled me so far, but it’s made this issue’s word essay resonate more deeply for me in many ways. I hope it resonates with you, too.
KINDNESS: The quality or state of being kind. Kind (adjective): of a sympathetic or helpful nature. Arising from or characterized by sympathy or forbearance. Of a kind to give pleasure or relief. (Source: Merriam-Webster)
At the start of the year, I took a Soul Start planning workshop with Lisa Cooper Ellison, a writer, speaker, and coach with whom I’ve taken enjoyable and informative writing workshops. The presentation, workbook, and time for reflection made me think more intentionally about my vision for my writing, especially my memoir, and how that aligns with my purpose and superpowers. It also offered practical tips for goal setting, but my biggest takeaway was when Cooper Ellison spoke about setting goals that are not only realistic, but kind, ones that are kind to ourselves and to others.
“There are many of us who are highly motivated, energized people who set goals that are so ambitious—and let's face it, unrealistic, given what's going on in our lives—that we are unkind to ourselves or we are unkind to others, either by not making space for them or having time for them or being really grumpy and grouchy when we do have time for those people because we have overtaxed ourselves,” Cooper Ellison said.
”When you do this, you take away from your superpowers. You cannot be in your superpowers if you're putting yourself in situations where there's an impossible standard that you've created.”
This fits me to a tee. I am a highly ambitious person, but often, my ambitions and expectations for what I think is possible crash headfirst into reality. Thinking more realistically about my time, energy, and variety of commitments is something that I set out to pay more attention to this year, but as a creative, this can be especially challenging. During one of the breakout sessions, I asked Cooper-Ellison how she makes decisions about what is kind. She shared that she asks herself on a given day, “How much energy do I have and what else has to be done?” It’s so important to recognize that time is finite and so is our energy. As a high achiever who is still learning to divest from grind culture, this reality is something I easily dismiss. Cooper-Ellison also said that for her, “being gentle is important.” Extending kindness to ourselves means offering the same sympathetic nature we’d bring to interactions with others.
During her presentation, Cooper Ellison also spoke about kindness in terms of one’s support team. Writing may be a solitary pursuit most of the time, but I’ve learned that your creative community is vital. And once you become clear on your goals, identifying your everyday community is equally important. These are the people, Cooper Ellison says, who will cheer you on, ask what you need to help you achieve your goal, and offer guidance when you’re struggling or need to pivot. “These people can help you be kind to yourself.” The power in this, I think, is that you can be this person for others, too. Helping others to be kind to themselves offers further opportunity to turn that lens on ourselves.
Often, when I’m in a state of overwhelm—because I’m not reaching my goals or meeting my expectations or things aren’t going as planned—I remember what my mom tells me: do the next right thing, as best you can. This made me think about how kindness applies: what does doing the next kind thing look like? What would bring you relief in this moment? Or comfort? Or pleasure? Maybe the kind thing isn’t always the “right” thing, but it is the most helpful. Maybe it’s not hustling to your desk to cram in 30 more minutes of work. Maybe it’s taking a walk, or making yourself a snack, or lying on the couch, or snuggling with your child or your pet. Maybe the kind thing isn’t to push yourself, but to scale back—20 minutes of movement instead of a whole workout, or 15 minutes with a project instead of the hour you blocked off. Maybe the kind thing is having faith that when things aren’t going as expected, that it’s to create space for rest, to teach you something, to bring you closer to a growth edge, or to reconsider your priorities. When your faith, patience, resolve, and attitude are tested, you feel the highs and appreciate the bright spots so much more fully.
Memoir Updates
So far, I have not met my weekly goal of working on my memoir 10 hours each week, but that’s okay. As teacher and author Rachael Herron says, we set goals, and then we re-jigger as needed. I have finished skimming my manuscript and found a new structure that I like, though I still need to figure out a few things for Act 3. I see why so many authors struggle with what is commonly referred to as “the sagging middle.” Part of my weekly memoir work is reading craft books and I’m really enjoying dipping back into Story: Style, Structure, Substance, and the Principles of Screenwriting by Robert McKee. So much of what applies to the mechanics and art of screenwriting apply to writing a novel or memoir. I’ve found the passages about characters’ conscious and unconscious desires, and how that contributes to conflict, particularly illuminating.
Published Articles & Media Appearances
For Food Network, I wrote about durian, a spiky, tropical Southeast Asian fruit that has a reputation as being “the king of fruit” and for its polarizing aroma. I lived in Jakarta, Indonesia for five years as a kid and I regret not trying it! It was so fun to interview Petty Pandean-Elliott, author of The Indonesian Table, and learn more about its smell (and her family’s time-honored trick for removing the smell from your breath!) and how to eat and store it.
The Coolest Hotels You Haven't Been To (Yet)
I’m back in my friend and fellow journalist Jenn Rice’s newsletter, Bitchen, talking about one of my favorite hotel experiences. The Swag, in Waynesville, North Carolina (pictured below), is a magical mountain retreat. As I told Jenn “Of course, the amazing views of the Great Smoky Mountains and fabulous meals meant that I readily got out of bed for breakfast, but it was such a luxury to slip back into bed, prop up all the pillows, and sink into the plush comforter to read and do a crossword before my spa appointment.”
Books, Bites & Beverages
Books: I finished Hot Springs Drive by Lindsay Hunter and I highly recommend it if you’re in the market for a delicious book to devour. As I wrote in last week’s newsletter, it’s raw, gritty, sexy, and electric. I still think about fresh prose, like when she describes the color of the sky as the shade of denim that sad moms wear, or this line: “From the time he was a boy he knew dreams were nothing but commercials his brain made and then watched, little bits of absurd quilted to lurid sewed to banal and run through a weedwhacker.”
I also just finished reading The Mothers by Brit Bennett. Last year I read her book The Vanishing Half which is one of the best books I’ve read in recent years, so I wanted to read some of her other work. The novel weaves together stories of young love, and the ambitions, secrets, and revelations that affect a Black community in Southern California. It is crazy tp ,e that The Mothers was her debut, simply because I am in awe of her writing style (this is what writing instructors mean when they say “voice”), her masterful prose, and deft ability to structure a story in a way that is smart but also pleasurable for the reader.
Bites: Sometimes, the kind thing is to order takeout and spare yourself the dishes and time on your feet, and not worry about using up whatever you have languishing in the fridge. And sometimes that looks like ordering pizza multiple times in a week. Our local go-to is Papa’s Pizza in Salem (pictured above), which we often enjoy while watching a movie or to fill our bellies before a rousing game of Sorry or Uno Flip.
Beverages: Lately I’ve been enjoying cups of chai and Sri Lankan milk lattes (pictured above), courtesy of samples that were generously gifted to me by Kola Goodies. Taking a five minute break mid-morning feels like such a nourishing thing to do for myself, and I love how wonderful the warming spices make my kitchen smell while its steeping.